anorexia and me

i am one of those people that their weight fluctuates. which was not always the case when i was younger, i was so skinny due to having a high metabolism i was even nicknamed skeleton 101 in junior school. when i hit puberty and bam the weight started creeping up this was not also help by the fact that was now in boarding school eating unhealthy school diners of fish and chips, pasta with oily sauce, burgers, biscuits, chocolate, fatting pudding, name an unhealthy food and basically my school served it. the crunch time came when i realized that my size had shoot up from a Uk size 6 to a size 14(this was not good) even my parent whom where concern that i was too skinny when i was younger, now were worried that i had put on too much weight. so then came the eating disorder.

it first started me making changes in my diet and lifestyle in order to loose a few weight, when the weight stared dropping i became consumed with loose more and getting to a certain target . i did everything imaginable going days of up to six or eight without eating, making myself sick when i ate sometimes, not eating with the family in order for them not see that i flushed my meals down the toilet.

i also exercise vigorously, even to the point that i went running during bad weathers. so consumed was i in my aim to that i was not seeing the bigger picture, my parents and friends now knew something was up i was now too thin but all i saw was fat person when i looked in the mirror. i didn't not see the person they saw and was more determined that they were lying to me and that they were trying to stop me from reaching my goal, thing got so bad that i was now have heated disagreement with my parent and boyfriend about what they saw as me damaging myself, i thought fuck them i am going to get as skinny as i can get.

I was now down to my size six and still losing more, now i was losing my hair which were come out in heaps when i brushed my hair, i was an emotional mess and my hormones was all over the place having varying mood swings and could not control my emotions and crying unnecessary for no reason. i alienating people because i did not want them to disrupt my regime, not wanting to socialize with friends so that i did not have to eat or miss any hour of exercise
my father decided that i need professional help which help me a little in my road to recovery.

i stated getting better eating more and exercise less the weight now went to healthy size 8/10
but i still had the same mind set has before know that i had the potential to relapse, this happened again two and a half years later, i was at a low place in my life then and relapsed again and going down back to size 4/6 which is pretty skinny for someone of my height of 5ft8. Again my parent stepped in with my father having some serious discussion with about what i was doing to myself, again i decided that t need help and decided needed to stop with it and make myself better this coincided with me now enrolling at university, for three years of this i battled a eating disorder.
For the first year i lived a lone i was able to hide this with no one being aware of what was going on, i was going to the gym regularly and told my friend that i was just some one who love exercise and i did it just for fun, they didn't think anything strange cause they saw me eating regularly unknown to them i was also making myself sick when i was sure no one will suspect.
For three years i was able to put for this act, but things became different when i moved in with two of my girlfriend in my last year.

Now it was difficult for me to make myself sick , without people hearing. it was also difficult for me to go days without eating and my house-mate not commenting on it, i was purging less frequently and eating more frequently than i would have liked, but my one saving grace was that i was still going to the gym alot sometime spending three hrs in there. i was keep my weight under control and maintain a size 8/10 .

But again i have stumbled, i have relapsed again . In a way i have realized that i have never fully recovered and that i will always be like this and this is what i have become. i have accepted this and i have given in to submission. i able again a fully paid member of the anorexic/bulimic club. i have stared dieting and starving myself, exercising a lot . At the moment i weight 10 stones but fully intent to reach 7.8 stones and if possible 7.5/7 stones. i have accepted that this is what i have become.